redrawblak

1.26.2009

where did all the snow go?

i'm at one of those points where every decision, every incident, seems fraught with importance and implications.

the tiniest events are SCREAMING at me...this is right! this is wrong! this is why your life is heading in the wrong direction! you must do more of this to right yourself! you must stop doing this!

it just seems like every moment is a new opportunity to turn in the right or wrong direction...every moment is redefining my life's purpose and direction, and my worth as a human being.

ah, yes! buddhism! this is it! this is what I've been looking for my whole life! i must renounce material desires and focus on my inner development! then again, look! i just canceled my cable! perhaps this is the key to success--no more wasting time with superficial bullshit like football! or no--I must go back to school, to follow my TRUE inner calling, to be a musician! it must be so!

it's all bullshit, of course.

life's not that simple, or that complicated. we all need to relax a little bit and trust ourselves a little more. if i die tomorrow, none of this matters--and if i die when i'm 103, then i'll have had a million more chances to make a meaningful life. and if i die next year? then i die next year--in baton rouge, in north carolina, in new york, broke, rich, single, in love, playing music, selling books, teaching third graders--i don't know that it ultimately makes that much of a difference.

so why put forth any effort at all?

so that if i die tomorrow, at least i'll have been happy today, i suppose.

then again, maybe it's just human nature. whatever the fuck that means. 'if this town is an apple, then just let me take a bite!'

see, now i'm back to where i started. if i can't take a big enough bite of the big apple, i need to leave! right? isn't that the 'right' decision, what i'm meant to do? go back to baton rouge and seclude myself in discipline and righteous devotion to my chosen task? isn't that my destiny? isn't it? please?